Backsliding

I know I said I would try to make this blog as little about my feelings as possible, but since my journeys across the pond have unfortunately come to an end...for now at least, my blog has taken a new direction. It is still a journey of a mad white women, but a different one. Me, plunging into the new trials and tribulations of life as I move forward. Instead of writing about laying on a beach in Mallorca as the sun sets, or drinking a beer with an old friend in Germany, I will be writing about the aftermath. Looking back, it was like one big, long amazing dream that lasted for 5 months, and only now I have awoken. And let me tell you, it's a rude awakening.

Upon arriving back in the States I was filled with a mix of semi-unexplained emotions. One thing was for sure, I felt confident. A confidence I haven't felt in a very, very long time. It was like I was on cloud nine and nothing could bring me down. I felt like I could take on the world. But I also felt a sadness of having to let go of this new life I built in a foreign country. I knew I felt this sadness but I didn't want to face it. Needless to say I did the one thing I do best, the thing I berate others for doing, because as a psychologist in the making I know it's an unhealthy thing to do. I ignored it. I ignored it for as long as I possibly could until finally I had to admit it to myself. I know it's my downfall, so I'm trying this new thing where I try and figure out this jumble of emotions instead of letting them build, and build until they finally come up which usually results in a huge mess. (Wow, could I sound anymore like a girl? )

I'm trying to take the healthy route. And for me, I think that is writing and diving into a good book. It's also admitting the things that I wish weren't true, like: I am sad that my dream is over. And here's the big one that I wish with all my heart wasn't true, buy hey, here's to being honest with myself. I feel almost as self conscious as I did before I left for Spain. (For those of you who don't know...that's pretty bad). I don't know where it went, but all I know is I want it back, and I'm not exactly sure how to get it. I guess that comes from within, and it's something I have to figure out on my own, but the idea of backsliding into that insecure person I was before I left scares the living hell out of me. And that my friends, is the gods honest truth.


Also, like the many other masses, I am up against my last year of undergraduate college. That means I have to make a big decision in the next, oh, 3 or 4 months. I need to choose a field of psychology, choose a school/location and a person to be my mentor for the next 2 years of my life. I know what some of you may be thinking, "well that's silly, that's not a lot of time at all" and yes, I know that. However, I put some thought into it and weighed my options. And please let me know if I have neglected any options that should be slapping me in the face. I thought of three major ones. One, I could take a year off, get a job somewhere, preferably in a big city and get some more training and a feel for what I want to do. Two, go straight into grad school and hope for the best. And three, take a year off completely and get a shitty job I don't care about in a town I don't care about. The fact of the matter is, I'm terrified of being stuck, especially in this awful, awful town called Amsterdam. I'm a bit scared that I wont be able to find an interesting enough job with just my undergrad degree in a baller city that has anything to do with a field of psychology that I may like. So, I guess it's straight to grad school. Maybe the best choice. Maybe not. I just hate the idea of my life being planned out, I am not the kind of person that enjoys that idea. In fact, it makes me want to run...probably another character flaw of mine that's starting to surface.

But who knows, I just have to remember that everything works out in the end...right?